Wednesday, October 15, 2008

My FIRST broken heart at 30 years old!

Jeez do I miss him! For any of you who don't know (that would be just about EVERYBODY), i have a broken heart. I'm almost 31 years old, have two kids, one apartment, and am lacking one very major thing, HIM. He's gone. And I'm broken.

Let me start at the beginning, sort of......

I was married at 20, divorced at 27, and HIM came along around the time of my divorce. From the moment i saw him look up at me and grin, i was a goner. But, for all kinds of stupid reasons, we couldn't ever really make things work the way they were supposed to. Mostly due to third and fourth parties in the relationships (my ex, his HER) and so on and so forth. About two months ago, everything just stopped. Things started getting really hairy with him and a custody fight, and a lost job, (and all kinds of other fun stuff I won't mention), and I was sort of "let go". It just stopped, no texting, no calling, nothing. He's going through a horrible time (at least I think he is) and I guess I was the one thing he could cut out to make life easier.

I'm struggling. I loved him, and still do, with my whole heart. I've never had a broken heart before. I loved my ex-husband in a sort of brotherly-buddy type of way. I'd never loved anyone the way I loved/love HIM. I'm 31 years old and this is my first broken heart and it SUCKS. I pray for him, pray that he's ok. Then I'm mad at him for just leaving me out in the cold like this. I wonder if he ever really loved me at all? How could he have loved me, because it was so easy for him to just forget me.

I still cry everyday. It's been two months and I'm still crying every day. Some days are better than others, some days are worse. I see myself as the old crazy cat lady that all the neighborhood kids run screaming from. Someone will call Health Services or Animal Control because of the smell emanating from my tiny little shack and the cats pooping in every body's yard. And as they wheel me away, I'll still be crying over HIM. URGH.

I think about trying to talk to him all the time. I think about ways i could make him talk to me. I think about calling him and telling him I'm voting for Obama, that would really fire him up. :) I've still got a lot of his stuff. Maybe I'll call him and tell him I'm going to sell it all and keep the money to buy hookers. Maybe I'll burn it. I can't bring myself to empty his drawer, or stop sleeping on his side of the bed. I'm just at a loss. I'm just trying to get through my days. One foot in front of the other.

Thank GOD for my kids. They keep me going. Keep me breathing. Keep me from just collapsing and dying right there on the floor. They've seen me cry, and i know they're sick of it. I can't sniff with out one of them saying "Jeez Mom! Are you crying AGAIN?". Poor guys. They're so good to me. When I can't stop from crying in front of them, they're right there, patting my back and giving me a hug, telling me it's ok, he'll come back one day.

They miss him too. Grace has taken to wearing HIS t-shirt as a night gown, and Max will snuggle up on the couch with HIS hoodie to watch tv. But boy are they handling it soooo much better than I am.

I know it's probably stupid, and the 2 people who might actually read this blog are probably shaking your heads in disgust, but I'm still waiting for him. I still love him, and still have a little bit of faith that he'll come back to me, all better and all of his problems solved. I know it's a long shot, but for right now, it's what keeps me going.

You know what? I think I like this blogging thing.

I gotta go now. Gotta go see if my favorite blog, Dooce.com, has written anything new to lift my spirits.

Keep fightin' the good fight, and hug the one you love a little extra tighter tonight. Tell him/her you love them, and be glad.

4 comments:

MHoskins said...

Girl, you have to keep yourself together. One thing you have to remember is that when you have children, your life no longer belongs to you. It belongs to them. Everything that you do is for them. Its okay to show emotion in front of children, but you do not want them to see you weak and vulnerable. Do not give up on life or love. The right person will come along. Everyone has a soulmate. And you will know it when the time comes. I am not saying that HE is not your soulmate. I am just saying that maybe it is not the right time. Everything that we go through makes us stronger and determines who we are. Anything that God will bring you to, he will bring you through. And without hurt and sorrow, you cannot know true happiness! So keep praying and I know things will get better for you. You and your children are beautiful people and you do not deserve to let anyone hurt you!

Moo's Momma said...

I know I'm not one of the two you expected to read this blog or to even follow it but hey guess what SURPRISE!
Girlie I love you! Mhoskins is right. You WILL find the right someone sometime. The best advice I ever got (Ironically while crying over my broken heart) was that love finds you when you least expect it, when you stop looking for it, focusing on it, BAM it hits you in the face and everything seems to fall in to place. I believe because me and my babe are proof that it does happen. I love you and it makes me sad to know that you are upset. Throw your life into your children. They will keep you so busy you won't have the time to think about HIM. Grab your camera, snap pics of them playing when they don't know you are there. Better yer take one of yourself all upset and crying in time you'll look back at the photo and know that you're a fighter and a true tough cookie. A broken heart can't be fixed with a bandaid but it can be fixed with time, patience, and love from family.
Okay I ramble, it's what I do.
Love ya bunches,
M

GrannyNan said...

Good Morning Dearheart!

I just read these comments, please take their advise. Sounds like they know what their talking about.
Remember, you are my sunshine!

Katt420 said...

I love you! It hurts my heart to the core to see my big sis like this over something like a "man". All I want you to remember is all the people that you have around you that love and care for you soooooooooo much. I'll always be here for you but DAMNIT BUCK UP!!!!!!! LOL! You know that's said with love:). Just stay stronge and everything will be ok.